A Little Bit

i put a link to my 2nd novel at the top of this page.

it is not a sausage link, nor a lincoln log, or a link in a chain.

it is a link to words and a heart.

or should i start a whole new blog and put my novel in it chapter by chapter?
is that too revealing?

for some reason i keep thinking about the wiener dog at the full moon circle in the very first post.
oh! because of sausage links! some people call wiener dogs sausage dogs!
alexander macall smith does. i checked out three of his books yesterday. he is the best!

Do You Hear Voices?

when i wake up there are voices in my head. the bad angel. the good angel. Pretty much every day. the bad angel saying "you're fat, get a job, you're old, you probably have dementia, you're fat..."

The good angel is still asleep because she knows there is nothing to worry about. so it's just the fat angel, i mean bad angel, and me. and my various ailments.

recently i hurt my thumb. it became urgent so i went to Urgent Care. the generic prescription was 90 bucks. welcome to America. and i don't even know how i hurt it! maybe i do have dementia.

at urgent care they weighed me. how rude. i thought they are supposed to make you feel better, not worse. i have inexplicably gained forty pounds since i got married fifteen years ago.

when i got married i thought, with relief, "i don't have to be skinny anymore - i got my man." we could eat, drink, and be merry. and we did, do, and are.

(my brother suggested that maybe my husband rolled over onto my thumb in the night and squished it with his belly. or an even bigger part, like his manhood. i did not tell the doctor that. doctors are not known for their senses of humor.)

Transcendence? Really?

of course not. but the holistic dentist chair looks out on a koi pond and a turtle whom is hungry. who is hungry, i mean. this will be expensive. i was too chicken to tell him about the soap. i don't want a total stranger to think i'm strange. or anything.

some of you read my other blog. i have two or more sides. the humorous/irreverent one. the one looking for transcendence. of what? dental problems, and other evils.

some say i am wise. but not to my silly self. to her i am just silly. what a relief. most people i know are artists, writers, singers, players of music. and all are on spiritual paths. and tend to take life too soberly.

i figured out why we don't really want to transcend. we are afraid we won't be needed here anymore. we will be no earthly good. or we will be crucified. or the soap has gone to my brain.

Anxiety and Depression Get Married

yikes. i go to the holistic dentist today for a second opinion. i am scared. i have recently discovered that feeling anxious about anxiety makes it worse. hmm.

i have a lifetime of dental fears and nightmares, combined with guilt that i waited so long to go, and resentment that i was too poor to go, and shame because i should have gone anyway because the truth is i bought canvases and paints and went to Santa Fe and out to the pub a few times instead of saving money for the dentist.

and i felt justified, as i had taken a vow of poverty to be an artist. i now know all of that to be bullshit. or chickenshit, as it were.

so now anxiety and depression have gotten married and set up housekeeping in my brain. how pleasant!

the brushing with soap experiment continues...i have now also tried tea tree oil soap. it hardly has a flavor, yet strangely, i prefer the olive oil. i think there may be something wrong with me...maybe the gingivitis has travelled to my brain.

Soap Poisoning

the scene in the movie "a Christmas story" where Ralphie has to bite the lifebuoy soap because he said the word f-u-d-g-e...except he didn't say fudge.

as kids who cussed (even darnit and fart were forbidden) we got a choice between Tabasco and soap. i chose the hot sauce, because the soap (Ivory) would make me gag. so now here's this chemist (as detailed in previous post) saying to brush our teeth with ordinary soap! that it is THE way to gum health!!! yuck...

but i am game for old fashioned/cheap cures. i am also curios by nature...and i had this new soap - olive oil - hand milled - lightly scented of pale flowers. very rich soap i would not have had except it showed up at Ross-dress-for-less deeply discounted and i put it out for guests.

so yes, i tried it. and it wasn't bad. and my mouth felt cleaner than clean. and now, i'm ashamed to say, i kind of like it and am even getting hooked on it. does that make me bad? or just fresh?

Wash Out Your Mouth

so i go to the dentist because i finally have insurance, not Obama-care, but my husband started full time, and i get bad news. have to pull wisdom teeth and a baby tooth, replace a cap, and all my fillings, etc...not to mention gingivitis can send plaque to my heart and kill me instantly. Argh.

so i have this ongoing panic response that totally belies my supposedly spiritual beliefs, and plunges me into an anxiety-laced depression, for which i have to go to the chiropractor to loosen my clenched jaw and stuck neck. (i've had tooth nightmares most of my life since my little brother knocked one of my teeth out with a belt buckle...sounds like a drunken white trash family, right? but he was only playing with the cat and my mouth got in the way...)

meanwhile i search holistic solutions and tips on the internet, desperate for solutions that don't involve removing gum tissue! and i come across this chemist, a professor emeritus at some big university, who says to brush your teeth with SOAP! any soap.

To be continued...